Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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