After last night, I could never be a politician.
Buhtt sex?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize