I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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