I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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