I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
