If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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