Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize