It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
