I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
