Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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