:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize