Having a random hookup so left but love u
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize