The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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