This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize