just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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