i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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