OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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