My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
