I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
