guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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