My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize