Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
