i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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