It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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