It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We left the knife in your bed.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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