I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
