Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
