ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
