Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
