Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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