maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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