I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
