You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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