He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
