morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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