At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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