According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
True strength comes from lack of pants
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
