Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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