If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
