Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
