a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
