dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
