i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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