Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
home. puking in laundry basket.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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