Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Who died my cat blue again?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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