I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
