Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
