God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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