just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
