i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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