I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
