I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
