he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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