He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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